I gave this one a go since this is the only story that has thus far had a back and forth. I wanted to see what was up.
I really had to struggle through this one. What jumped out at me wa the "eyes". One sentence, I had to reread three times. Stopped me completely.
Quote:Red ignored him completely, her eyes busy scanning the room. They landed on a security camera high on the wall and she growled a little until Zorro followed her gaze.
For the first two readings, I thought "They" meant the two wolves; that the wolves had landed upon the security camera. Then understood you meant their "eyes". Another one, in the following paragraph
Quote:Zorro, on the other hand, watched the human intently, his eyes following the man around the lab.
made it appear that the wolve's eyes had popped out of his head and were walking of their own volition.
From there, every other paragraph, two or three times there were descriptions of eye movements or eye descriptions that were unneeded. Or could have been worded differently. So that the "eyes" didn't seem to pop out and jump off the screen at you.
And towards the end
Quote:His eyes began to wander again, tracing the curve of her spine down
The home-spun jocularity seemed forced and lacked wind-in-the-sails. The jokes sagged, in other words. Drooped. "In the doghouse...", "sleeping on the couch..."
I've never seen Twilight (nor will I), so I can't speak to the editor climbing aboard that train, but it seems the initial reviewer may have. However, as he inferred, I agree that maybe this story was intended for a younger audiance. Maybe that's why it wasn't my cup of tea.